that guy.

Don't want to wait, and I can't rewind.
I'm losing my mind.
Watching the days, turn into nights.
And I can't close my eyes,
cause I can't help thinking;
all I need is, one more first chance.

I have had all these "what if's" and scenarios playing in mind ever since we met. I can't help but think of all the possibilities, and maybe it's because I barely know you, but you seemed perfect. Someone who was too good to be true.

Argh I don't like this. I don't like feeling like this, because I know there is no chance in the world I'll ever see you again. And that, is slowly starting to become a regret; my first regret. Cause I can't help but question, "what if you were the one?"

I feel like I'm going crazy. :|

official goodbye.

We Started Off So Good, We Were Honestly Happy.
You Used To Tell Me,I Was Beautiful.
Where Did It All Go Wrong?
I Can’t Believe, There’s Nothin Left For Saving.
How’d It Go… From Being In Love To Alone?
It’s Like Swimming On Forever But It’s Moving Us Downstream;
We Can’t Win Together We’re No Longer The Same Team,
So You Can Watch My Great Escape Tonight.

i heard you've got a new girl. and it kind of makes sense now, the way you were talking to me just a couple of days before and then how you just disappeared from my life.. couldn't you man up and tell me?

i knew we were heading down, but i actually thought we were getting good again, guess i was wrong. i really do miss what we used to be, and how close we were, but i guess we can't rewind or repair what we once had now. it saddens me to let you go like this, after everything we've been through. and that dream i had about our future, it felt so real. but you're making no effort, you've moved on; and i've been living quite well without you.

maybe i was just holding onto something that we had lost a long time ago, simply for the sake of our past together; baha silly me. good luck with everything, until we speak again - goodbye.

www.omnomnomcassie.tumblr.com

^ my tumblr.
new blog site - i post more often there because it's more convenient and i don't mind sharing what i write there.

my blogspot is a page i will continue to write in, but not as often, about things i just need to get off my chest that i don't particularly want to share with too many people.




www.omnomnomcassie.tumblr.com

if there is anyone who actually reads these blogs, please feel free to follow me on tumblr :D

spring.

"Home is the person or place you want to return to over and over." ♥

i'm scared that even though the years keep passing, that the lies and disappointment continue to build up; that no matter what, there will always be a part of me still holding onto you.

no thanks to you

i just want to say thank you. cause when i didn't remember why i was still waiting for you, when i was wondering why i was still holding on etc. and was you know, somewhat numb yet ready to move on, each time i get to that stage, you re-enter my life and remind me of why. making me miss you even more when you disappear and leave me waiting, once again.

like right now, i miss you, and all i can think of is you. all i want to see is you. all i want to hear is you, and where i want to be is with you; corny and shit i don't care. it's how i feel. it's how i feel most of my days.

thank you for making me so weak, thanks for leaving such a big affect on me, thanks for leaving me in a way that only you can fix. thanks for not even noticing. seriously, thanks for making me vulnerable for you; it's every girls dream.

i hate feeling like this; missing you but knowing that you're not even thinking about me ..

taken for granted.

we only ever seem to reflect on life when negative things are happening, why? because we are searching for something better, anything better, than what was actually happening. but when one thing goes wrong, we seem to also detect everything else that is wrong or bad in our life; soon we find ourselves in tears wondering what we did wrong to deserve such a bad life like this, true?

we never seem to realise the good things in our lives, and when we do, it doesn't last very long and is easily forgotten when something else happens; so I want to take note of what I've come to realise tonight, and hopefully the next time I feel down or whatever, I'll look back and realise how lucky I really am.

I'm alive and healthy; I'm not suffering, I don't have an illness. I have access to clean water and a variety of food. I have choices; I live in a democratic society. There isn't a war going on in my country, people aren't dying in front of my eyes. I'm not exposed to any life-threatening acts, I'm not forced to do anything I don't want to.

I am constantly surrounded with family, they're always there. They may not understand me, but they're there when I need them; when I'm ill, when I need to go somewhere, and simply when I need help. My parents care for me, they're over-protective and don't express affection but I know they care for me. My brother and I come first in my parent's choices and decisions, they're always thinking of us. They don't drink, they don't fight, they're not violent; they don't just leave us by ourselves unless they know 100% we'll be okay.

I often complain about my friends, and nothing will change that; I think I'm just too fussy and over-think things way too much. But there are a few of them out there, who truly care about me, and I guess, I can call my true friends. Sometimes, they can pick up when something's bothering me, and know when I need cheering up; sometimes they're as blind as ever.. but I admit I am difficult and it would be wrong of me to expect them to realise every single time.

You know, just with the basic essentials; shelter, food, clean water, clothing, I should already be happy; a lot of people don't even have this and live a much less priviledged life; and I don't even think about this in my day-to-day life, I really take those things for granted. And the people I have in my life, I am lucky to have even met them let alone to have them a part of my life. Yeah, they're additional things in my life, but they make my life better, and make the ride worthwile.

even if i just wanna run away, and even if i hate all the stupid silly words you say, i can't deny with you is where i wanna stay.

when you say the words you know i wanna hear, i forget all the pain that i was feeling.

for some reason, i miss you even more today.

):

i had mixed emotions earlier today. i was so excited, yet so nervous at the same time. i was worried yet i was calm. i was happy, yet so scared. but none of it even mattered, because i didn't even get to see you. for me to be sick of all days, it had to be the one day we planned to meet up, after almost four months.. seriously?



ps. did you know, you still give me butterflies in my stomach.

i'm scared of losing you, even though you're not even mine.

no matter how much time passes, nothing's changing

i want you to realise how much i mean to you; how much you really miss me and how much you really care.
i want you to tell me that you're sorry for treating me the way you have been, and that it was unintentional; that you'll make up for it.
i want you to say you'll start showing me how much you want me; that it won't happen again.
i want you to tell me that there is no one else; that it's just me on your mind and in your heart.
i want you to tell me that we'll be forever, and that you truly believe it.
i want you to reassure me that i have nothing to worry about; that i never will.
i want you to say that you love me, and that nothing will ever change that.

i must be a fool for hanging around this long, and still expect this to happen, even though nothing seems to be heading in that direction. but i can't help it; nothing has changed since the first day i met you ..

i miss my friends.

it saddens me that there are so many people i was once close with, that i don't even talk to anymore. sometimes it's just a smile or maybe even a hello, but anything more than that, feels awkward.

it saddens me because these are the people that i used to rely on for a good time, people who i felt comfortable with, people who i looked forward to seeing. looking back, they were the reason i was happy; oh how i miss the way things used to be.

i know it's not possible to go back in time or whatever, but sometimes, i wish i still had those relationships. reliving those moments through pictures just aren't enough anymore.

my dear friend.

i love how he is able to make me smile so easily, with his cute comments. i love how after a few weeks, we can still talk for ages. i love how he lifts my mood, and i simply enjoy his company.

it's sad though, how it's hard to actually communicate with him lately. and how we don't actually get to see each other anymore. i feel comfortable talking to him about whatever, no matter how stupid or ridiculous.

it's amazing how well we get along. especially when we talk for ages, and conversation still flows casually. in some ways, when i think about it, he's like the guy i've been searching for, for so long. but i don't feel attracted to him in that way, well not as much as i thought i would've.

he's more the best friend type, but i wonder if i'm anything close to that for him.

i'm addicted.

baby you like my medicine, gotta have you no matter where i be.
i don't think i'll find, find a better drug cause i already tried, tried to find a better one.
boy no one could replace you, no one has that effect like you.
no matter how bad you hurt me, you always seem to find a way to make it up to me.

i, love you, i need you.
i don't plan on sharing you boy.
i, i love you, i need you;
cause i need every dose of you.

boy you're my drug, just gotta have it.
boy your love is a must, i just can't stop it.
sometimes you hurt me but, you find a way to make it work.
i just can't help it, cause deep down i need it.

boy you're my drug, just gotta have it.
boy your love is a must, i just can't stop it.
sometimes you hurt me but you find a way to heal my heart.
and boy i must admit i'm addicted.
boy you're my drug.

out of all my friends you make me mad the most, but out of everyone i love you the most.
and i don't think i can do something about it, cause boy you've become part of my system.

new hopee

i feel good, like really good. i'm full of hope, with images of how things will turn out. i'm excited, like really excited. boy you have no idea what you've just done.

i know it's still a while away, but i never thought we'd plan anything so soon. you know i've wanted to see you for so long, it's been so many months. and now that we've set a date, i'm just really excited, but really nervous at the same time. i have these plans of how things will go, all these scenarios and ways of how the day will end. i probably shouldn't but i can't help it, i've been waiting too long. it's seriously time to change our status', i honestly don't see what's stopping us now; if it's meant to be, we can make it work. i mean we've been able to make whatever we are last this long so far right? why not make it official?

i hope we keep things good, i hope nothing stops, i hope it doesn't all change before the day. i don't care if it'll just be us, or with your friends, as long as i get to see you. for the next couple of weeks, i'll have something to look forward to, i really hope nothing changes it. i'm loving how things are going so well again; i'm loving the faster replies, i'm loving how our conversations are feeling a little bit like the old times. i really miss that, and i really miss you.

yeah, sure, i have some concerns. like what if i'm just lifting my hopes up and then get disappointed? what if it doesn't happen, what if something comes up? but you know what, right now. i just want to enjoy this good feeling. it's been a freaking long time !

ps. please don't disappoint me?

i wish you knew, i really do.

i know you said you didn't have time for a relationship now, but i can't keep on fighting how i feel. you're the one person i care for most, and to pretend i don't care means to not care about anything at all. i really wish you knew just how much you meant, i wish you weren't so clueless. so many times i've wanted to tell you everything, 100%, but i've never had the opportunity to. i want to be able to see you infront of me, to be able to read your facial expression and your body language. i don't want you to runaway, pretend or lie, like you can through the phone or online. i don't want to freak you out.

there's nothing i can do to erase the memories. i can’t ignore you, nor can i forget you. i can’t stop thinking about you, and i can’t stop missing you. no matter how different things may feel between us now, or the lack of communication we've been having lately. no matter how much time that passes by, and no matter what the distance is between us, i fear that how i feel towards you will never change. i fear that none of this will ever change. i'm scared of what i'm feeling, and how strong it is.

sitting here, in the dark
i don't know what went wrong
but it's over now
wish i could be, where you are
but some things should never be said out loud

come save me, unbreak me
cause i just cant forget you

take me so far away from this place
where my heart can breathe
somewhere i can believe again
give me something that time can't erase
cause losing you is taking too much
tell me there's a reason for love

i see myself, walking away
but there's a piece of my heart that's still holding on
people say "let it go"
but leaving is easier said than done

eek

i might've mentioned before, but i'm scared of the future.

i'm scared of what it holds for me, i'm scared of what the results might be. who i end up marrying, if i even get married. what will my career be? who am i friends with? how much of my life has changed from now? will i be healthy? will i be happy? will i be enjoying my life, or will i have problems? what is my ending? do i regret anything? and the list of questions go on, and on.

but if i had the opportunity to get any of the answers right now, i don't know if i would want to know. what if the answers were negative, i'd be dreading the future. but then i don't think you can predict the future, you can't predict the choices you will make, right? everything you do, everything you choose to do or not to do, affects how your future will be, right? it's not all set, it can't possibly be, right? because everything's always changing?

the future is such a scary thought. it's so complex. true?

my future studies.

so it's been a while since i've last blogged, time to update everyone i think, because there's been a few things bothering me lately.

just today, i finished my first full day (but second session) of training for peer mediation. because today's session went for a full day after yesterday's four period session, i felt so drained. it was getting so boring, it was so repetitive. i'm worrying that uni's going to be something similar.. i mean, we pick a particular area right, then just study the subjects that relate to it? for like three years, right? won't i be bored shitless? i'm quite surprised i've never thought about it before.. i don't want to be a drop out.

through this training, i realised that something like counselling, is not the pathway i should take - even though i had a little interest in it. i mean, how boring would it be, to hear similar situations everyday, asking the same questions like, "and how does that make you feel?" and "why do you feel the way you feel?" etc. it's so boring, no offence to anyone who's interested. and there's just so much thinking involved, there's no preparation time, because you never know what to expect. it's all done on the spot. ah definately not my thing.

after the careers expo on Sunday 29th August, i decided i was going to major in marketing. it requires me to be good at analysing things, be creative and basically, know what consumers want right? or how to sell a particular item or product to the public.. at least that's what i understood from all the information and questions i had asked. but i also want to do public relations, because i think it would be very useful, and contribute to marketing. i think that's the path i want to go in, i want to have a career in advertising. maybe not the actual desiign of it, because i'm not that creative, but the work behind it. it seems fun, challenging and involves work with colleagues and the public.

oh and, it's heaps easier to get into than law. that's like very close to impossible for me. unfortunately. ):

impatient.

argh fuck my life. i'm so over being patient. i'm so over waiting for something good to happen. i'm so over waiting for him. i'm so over waiting for life to turn around. i'm so over waiting for the better days to appear.

i feel like i'm waiting and waiting, waiting but nothing's changing. nothing even looks like it's going to change. i'm so fucking sick of it. everyday feels bad, each day getting a little worst than the previous. things look good for a couple of hours, then shit all happens and it's fucked. nothing stays good for long, and it's so rare lately for me to just feel 'good'. i want to feel some sort of positive feeling, i'm over this shit.

i'm over waiting for that one guy to make an effort, when clearly he's not going to, ever. i'm so over waking up each morning hoping for something to have magically changed overnight. i'm so over hoping.

i feel like i've become so pessimistic, because all my optimism has been crushed with disappointment after disappointment. the more positive i think, the more i'm hoping for - but the more i'm hoping for, the more disappointment i get.

i'm just sick of it, so over it. sick of feeling like shit, sick of hating life. i want something good to happen, something that'll give me some sort of lasting positive feeling.

is it too much to ask for just a little bit of happiness in my life?

:@

fuck you bitch.

constantly calling me selfish. constantly having a go at everything i do. never does it feel like you legitimately care for me, it always feels like it's a task you must complete as a mother.

you have a go at me, speak to me like i'm not your daughter for a week then suddenly think it's okay to just speak to me normally simply because you need something done? no, fuck you.

think it's okay to intrude on my personal space. think it's okay to just come into the room whilst i'm watching tv and speak on the phone? what the fuck is wrong with you? do you have no respect or morals? what the hell, seriously. of all the room and space in the house, you had to go to the same room as i. are you purposely trying to start me up. does it make you feel good?

you think you know me. think you know what i'm thinking. think you know what i want. no, no and no. you know NOTHING about me. and you call yourself my mother.

selfish bitch

there's this guy, whom i used to be close with, we were good friends. but changes occurred within our social group and we ended up on different sides, we chose different subjects and now we barely see each other. he was a good friend, i enjoyed his company - his attention, his jokes, his hugs. but lately, we've started chatting again and sometimes it feels like there was never a break between our friendship, other times it gets awkward. oh how i miss the times we once shared.

not long ago, perhaps last week i found out there is this one girl - that i know, but i'm not too sure if i like her or not - likes him, and wants to go out with him. apparently he knows, but i think he rejected her.. but still they are very close. i talked to one of my cousins about them, as she is close with the girl. and i told her, that she was definitely not his type.

but the fact that they're still close, bothers me a bit - but it's only with this one chick. i feel mean, like a real bitch for having such selfish thoughts lately about how to prevent their relationship from growing. but i'm not sure why. i ask myself "could i be jealous?" but it's not like i like him in that way. but then if it was because they're so close, why is it only towards her that i don't like it?

they're relationship bothers me, to the point that i'm considering getting close with him to stop whatever she wants with him. i've been thinking a lot about this lately, i've been thinking about him. but i don't know why it bothers me so much.

i just want to apologize for having such thoughts, even though no one is aware of them.

we've spent too long apart.

When we don’t speak,
I get hollow heartbeats,
Leaking through my heart seam ..

i hate this. i don't like it one bit. it's been eleven days and it feels like its been an eternity. the past few nights i've been so tempted to contact you, but i kept myself from doing so as i know i'd look lik e a desperate fool. last night i kept thinking in my mind of all the things i wish i could say to you right at this moment - how i feel, what i want, what i'm hoping. i wanted to text you all of it, let it all out. but i said nah, things have changed between us.

this whole not knowing where i stand with you is annoying me. i want to talk it out. you've made my heart numb, i'm not really sure how i feel for you, but you're constantly on my mind. i've thought about moving on, but everytime i try to imagine me with someone else, it just doesn't feel right - the thought of you lingers in the back of my mind.

it's unfair how you've got me tied in a knot which i cannot undo. i want to see you, it's been far too long.

... (8)

There wasn't anything I didn't love about you,
You'd do some stupid things and I'd laugh at those too,
And we went together like the summer in June
But who'd have known that it'd rain so soon

Thought I'd be the only one that'd make you smile,
Thought I'd be the only one that'd really know how
But you showed me different and I know better now,
I gotta get you out my system somehow

I replay it over and over again..

You were near my everything you're still on my mind,
But I'd rather be here all alone and I'm doing just fine
Gotta take it back to the days before we met
And live our lives as strangers again..

Now I'm living with just memories ..

broken promise.

The way you, hold me, even when you're with your friends,
you want me, means everything, to me, but you don't know ..

when i heard those lyrics last night, i thought back to the last time we caught up. and i realised that you must've cared quite a bit ..

i know i told myself that i wouldn't let you bother me anymore. i told myself that you are no good for me, that you don't care nor feel like you used to. i told myself that i'm wasting my time constantly waiting and witnessing no positive change. i told myself that the past couple of months have clearly shown me things are going downhill between us. i told myself there seems to be little hope, if any at all for us now.

i promised myself that this time i'm going to move on.

i made a promise to myself, one i thought i was sure i could keep. i went one week where i had not let the thought of you bother me - one where i distracted myself with study and such. but the last couple of nights, you're constantly on my mind yet again. 'far away' played on my ipod and suddenly, i'm missing you dearly. i wish you knew just how much, but then a part of me doesn't really want you to know at all, as i would look like a fool.

i still believe that i'm better off without you, but that's just my mind speaking. my heart, oh how stubborn it is, does not want to hear a single word of it.

breakout.

the sun will keep on rising, the tears are not endless
because i remember this, someday, i can live on

break out, break out
the key to open the door to tomorrow is surely in your hand
there's no such thing as fate
you are the one who decides on your future, make yourself - it's in your hand.




dbsk - breakout.

without u

Why are you doing this to me, why?
Why do you have to do this to me, make me cry?
Was it enough to throw everything we had?
All of the times we were together
And the times we can never be together again
Aren't they wasteful, to you?
Does it not matter to you?
Even now, are you okay without me?

I'm gonna be okay, gonna be okay
I'll be okay, gonna be okay
Baby without you, without you
Baby without you, without you ..

bleh

my mind is so full of rage, but i don't know what to write. my mind's full of confusion but i don't know where to begin. i don't even know how to describe how i'm feeling, cept that i am extremely frustrated about everything.

i'm over everything being like this. the past who knows how many weeks, seem to be just getting worse, i can't see an end to it. friendships are dying and trust is fading, and yet life seems to still be able to get more complicated.

i don't even know who i can talk to or who i can just chill with at school anymore. i feel like those i'm surrounded around the most don't even care about me, they don't make any effort. i've been so distant with everyone, barely talking, and no one even bothers to ask if i'm okay.

my head hurts from all this thinking, but i want to know what the cause of this is. i say i believe everything happens for a reason, but what is the reason that i must suffer like this?

i want to meet some new people, have fun and get distracted from whatever it is that's causing my life to be so shit.

back to school.

today was the first day of term three, wooh. over the past two weeks, i hadn't completed any homework, and just got the answers off some friends. but yeah. i got my english exam result back, disappointing, but i wasn't expecting a high mark - i knew i hadn't done well.

recess and lunch was a tad better than the last few weeks last term, but i still don't feel like things are back to the way they were. there's still some awkwardness between people, and the group has now split into many little groups within that one area. i don't like it.

with the new term/semester, i've set myself new goals. funny thing is, i always set these goals, but i'm only dedicated for a week or two. then the rest of the time, i just hope i can achieve it somehow without actually working towards it - which i know won't happen. hmm.

i'm so bored and sick of the majority of people at school. i want to find/meet some new people, make new friends, change my environment a bit.

everything the way it is now, has become boring. i want change, good change.

nothing's changed.

clearly you don't care like you use to.
clearly you don't see me like you use to.
clearly you don't feel the same towards me.

after the last couple of months, i've realised today, that thing's have changed between us. by you saying you "forgot" to text me today to meetup, has made me realise that your feelings aren't the same anymore. time after time, when there were these signs, i had chosen to give you the benefit of the doubt, i didn't want to misjudge, i had hope for us.

i'm scared to lose you, but i feel that i can't keep on living like this for too much longer. you cause me too much pain, and give me so little happiness. i don't know what it is about you exactly, that has got me so attracted to you, but i am. to you it may not feel the same, but despite that, when we do speak/text, it still feels the same to me.

"fk! i forgot to txt u =/"

why must you be so confusing. why can't you just be honest with me? how could you just say you "forgot"? that's saying you forgot about me. and right now, i'm not sure how i feel or how to reply to you, or even if i want to.

it hurts, i'm angry and just so confused. i really don't understand how you can just "forget." did i really not mean much? and not even an apology from you, how am i meant to respond?

r - e - s - p - e - c - t .

let's talk about respect.
respect means acknowledgment, honor - it's commonly the result of admiration.

i don't want to talk about respect between friends or respect between acquaintances or the type of respect you have for a singer/dancer/author etc. - i want to talk about the respect towards our elders.

i don't understand why they believe that just because they're old, we should have some sort of respect for them. They act as if it's a compulsory thing with the quote, "respect your elders." sure, i understand that they've lived their life, that some of them have done things we may wish we will someday achieve too, and yes, towards those people, i can see where the respect has come from. but there are some, who just expect the respect when they have done nothing for us to look up to/upon but instead the complete opposite.

take my grandfather as an example. he's still living today, he's survived war with his family, they've been lucky enough to escape safely from that horrible environment together. but other than that, he doesn't really have anything to be so cocky about. he's your typical chinese man, with those traditional beliefs of how a man is the leader of the family, has the final say and just sits back whilst the wife does all the housework etc.

maybe it's just me, and the cultural difference that i grew up in that i don't believe in those same things, but i lose respect for those men who believe that that's the way we should be living. he, is a strong believer in that, and we've never been close. sure, he's been there for me, i think when i was younger. i remember that he always dropped me off at school, he was always there to pick me up from school, when i needed a lift, he was mum's first option. but other than that, i don't remember having much of a relationship with him.

even now, when i try to have a conversation with him, or try to create some sort of relationship, i realise more and more each time that he is the type of person i can not tolerate. everything from his beliefs to his actions i don't like.

he is a stubborn man, he demands things, he believes he's in control with everyone and the life they live. he makes people unhappy, he gets agitated over the littlest things simply because he disapproves and doesn't have an open mind to see the other person's opinion or feelings - he is selfish.

everything has to be done his way, otherwise it's done the wrong way and it's unacceptable. he's bias, he favours, and can't ever admit it or anything he ever does wrong. he doesn't treat people the way an individual should be treated. he does things so that it benefits him and only him, just like he did with his children - made them work, but never rewarded them or gave them the childhood/teenage life they should have been able to live. they were forced to work morning to night, to earn the money so that their family could live. and even though he was suffering from an injury, he couldn't even spare a few dollars for his children to spend. he never compliments, he doesn't do change, everything's always the same.

he expects me to speak to him as if i'm interested in what he's saying, he expects me to never say no, he expects me to achieve high results so he can boast about it as i am his oldest grandchild. he expects me to talk to him and give a damn about him, and i'm not saying i don't. he expects me to respect him.

his expectations of me are beyond believable. none of which have a good or even fair reason as to why i should. i respect a very little amount of people, and that's because there are only a limited number of people in this world that i have come across who have given me a reason to believe in them. my grandfather, he will not be getting any respect from me anytime soon, until he changes some of his ways and starts respecting others.

i believe "you get what you give", and that "you'll achieve according to how much effort you put in".

slowly over the past year, i have observed him and his life. his actions are slowly leaving him alone, and it makes me feel sad, feel sorry for him. i just wish there was some way that i could tell him, or to let him know of the consequences. because even if he can see them slowly occuring, he can't admit, not to his wife, not to his children, not even to himself - he juat can't accept the truth, because that's a way of admitting defeat.

alone.

nobody's ever around when i need them.

by myself in my room - light's out, door's closed. no one's home, it's still light outside, but i'm here, in my room, all by myself. i feel so sad, i want to talk to someone, someone whom i don't have to pretend with, someone i can just reveal this me and for them to make me feel okay; to distract me.

i tried contacting this one person. with him, i knew i could be myself, with him i knew i could talk about whatever and know that by the end of the conversation i'd be feeling a lot better. but there was no response.

i'm trying to think of someone else. but i feel like there is no one else, except this one other guy. but i don't know how to contact him. i've got his number, facebook and msn etc. i want to talk, have a proper conversation now - not wait forever for one reply, but i'm scared to call him.

i feel so alone. it feels like i have no one. of all the 2390849823049 or however many people in this world, i can't find one person to make me feel better. that's so sad, it makes me want to cry.

mmm (8)

But it’s been kind of hard for me,
Cause you’ve been acting strange lately,
Yet I know, that it ain't intentionally, what you do.

I just want us to be honest with each other,
I can see us growing older together someday,
That’s the reason why I want to make this stronger,
Before these little games, take our love away,

It’s probably the damn distance,
It makes us feel weak and defenseless,
All the time, but I’m sure that we can make this, make this right ..

i care about you.

Sometimes I feel so alone
I call your heart
But there's no one at home
Taking a toll on my pride
I'm reaching out
But there's no one inside

It doesn't feel right, when I look in your eyes
I know love is blind, but the heart doesn't lie
I'll ask one more time, maybe this time you'll try
So tell me boy what's deep in your heart

Boy I care 'bout you
I'm there for you
So why don't you care for me
Like I care 'bout you

I spend like all of my days
Trying to cess out just how things got this way
I thought that we were in love
But I swear right now I don't know what you want

I make sure that I give you quality time
But lately I feel you're not home by design
But still I'm gonna try, you're the love of my life
In hopes that you will open your heart

Sometimes I'm not sure
I'm all you've got
Sometimes I'm not sure if you love me or not
One thing I know
Boy I care for you
And the one thing that I want is that you care for me too ..

if only you knew.

hmm so i lay awake last night, thinking about all that was going on in my life. and i just wished, that you were there to listen.

you are, constantly on my mind. you are, the first person i consider. you are, always my priority.

when i plan an outing, i always include you - i wonder whether you'll be able to go, whether i'll get to see you. when i wake up each morning, i wonder if there's a text waiting for me, and each night, i'm hoping for you to call or text.

every time there's a problem that i encounter, you are the person i want to to tell. you're the one i want to share it with. i want you to be there, when i'm in tears and hurting. i want you to be there, to share the joy and happiness.

it's all about you. everything i do, i'm always thinking of you. i've tried many times, to think of myself, but that seems impossible. not only have you got my heart trippin', but you've also got my brain playing you on repeat.

'Cause everytime I breathe I take you in, and my heart beats again
Baby I can't help it, You keep me drowning in your love
Everytime I try to rise above, I'm swept away by love
Baby I can't help it, you keep me drowning in your love ..

you're just asking for trouble.

dear mom and dad.
i swear, that the both of you are asking for trouble from me.

you call me selfish, not caring about how you guys feel when i go against your will, but do you, EVER try and look at the situation from my point of view? fuck no.

when i asked you if we, my brother and i, could go out to this place with a group of like fifteen, you didn't think for ONE second before responding. you just said no, thinking ONLY of your own fears and whatever the fuck else you have against it. we wanted to go out, have fun, it's not even VERY likely that we'll get bashed in such a public place with so many people around. that's fucking crazy shit you asians are so paranoid about. ever heard the quote, "the more you fear something, the more higher the chances of it happening"? i guess not.

i could've lied to you about it, and just said we're going to see a movie. but no, i wanted to be mature and be honest, to discuss it. but no, you, you don't even fucking think about us. what we want, why and how it makes us feel. it's all just your opinion, what YOU say. and there's no way for us to change that. now who's selfish, huh?

fuck you both. you wondered why i always went against you last year, you REALLY wonder. so here, i'll tell you - it's because you restrict me too much. the more you tell someone not to do something, it only makes them want to do it more. that's why i 'rebel' against you, because it feels like revenge. and when i do it, it makes me feel good. so i'm going to keep doing it, everytime you say no.

and it's not like i've never tried talking to you about it, it's just YOU don't want to fucking listen. all you hear is yourself and your stupid thoughts. that's not my fault, and that's why things never stay 'okay' or close to 'good' in our house for very long. it's not because of what i do, it's because of you, and your selfishness.

my attitude, reflects how you treat me.

i'm such a fool.

bleeehh. why am i such a fool? why do i let myself suffer like this?

when we don't speak over a period of time, he causes me pain, and when we do speak, he still causes me to be down. so many times, i have said, "yeah that's it. that's the last time i'm going to let him control my feelings", "i'm so sick of this, i'm moving on" etcetc. and even though i've tried many times to. i always end up right where i started, why?

is my heart really that stubborn? has it not been hurt enough? i'm seriously so sick of him keeping me waiting for his stupid replies, waiting for him to text me first, for him to just talk to me. he never seems to make ANY effort to talk to me, and yet i still bother contacting him first. what's that meant to mean? does he not care as much as i do? does he not think of me like i think of him? does he not feel the same as i do for him? if he didn't, couldn't he at least tell me so i could actually do something about all my stupid actions?

he frustrates me so much, he gives me headaches. he keeps me up late at night, where i come up with all these stupid wishes. each day, i constantly wait for him to show me some sign of him caring, and each day just draaaaaags on. this isn't fair, this isn't a healthy way for me to live.

and despite all the times i've been rejected by him, and all the pain and whatever else he's caused me, he's still on my mind each day, and every night. and stupidly, knowing nothing will change any time soon, i still hope for something.

my distraction.

the last couple of weeks, i had found someone i could talk to, fairly honestly. i hadn't known him long, two months i think. i saw him once a week, but most of our convos happened online. we had spent days talking for ages, there was a day where we spoke eleven hours straight. we stayed up late chatting, joking and whatever else. he was good, i felt comfortable telling him whatever; my problems, what i was thinking and sharing my childish imagination.

he was smart, educating me and telling me thinks i had not known before. he was funny, his imagination was similar to mine; in many ways, when i think about it, we are very much alike. he gave me the attention i needed, when i needed it most, and soon i found myself thinking about him all the time, and going online just for him. he made me feel better, he made me smile, he made me laugh.

but friday night at a party, when things were coming to an end, i couldn't help but think about the guy i have a complicated relationship with.. then i thought about it, and thought that maybe, this new guy, was simply a distraction from what was bringing me down constantly. it was a nice distraction i admit, but distractions, they never last long..

i thought i had moved on, i thought those feelings had disappeared within those two weeks, but i realise a couple of weeks later, that i haven't actually moved an inch, i'm still in the exact same position where i started - waiting for him..

one year,

it's been a year, i wonder how you're doing. this day, brings back no pain just simple memories. i can't help but notice all that has changed from then to now, and how we don't even speak anymore when we could barely go a day without a word to each other. isn't that funny?

thoughts of you don't bother or upset me anymore, actually to be honest. you barely come to mind nowadays, it's been like that for a while now that i think about it. but coincidentally, i looked at the date today and realised how it was a year ago.

today marks one year, of things ending between us. and though the month or so after, wasn't that great, i realise today that i was stupid in the way i had acted, and i see your reason.

it would be nice for us to speak again, for us to just catch up. there's like no trace left of you anywhere, it's like you've disappeared.. but i guess you're just living your life.

i hope you're doing well.

nobody understands.

everything's so complicated, with everyone. i don't even know why, but i constantly feel sad, and down. i feel like i can't talk to anyone honestly anymore and that because of that, i'm forced to bottle everything up. the people i use to talk to about life, my problems and stuff, i barely talk to anymore.

and just the other day, i noticed that i don't care about much anymore. there's barely anything that really gets to me nowadays, shit happens and i'm just like 'meh'. it's like i'm back to that numb feeling again. even my grades, i'm not too bothered with, even though i want to do well. i just feel disappointed in myself, but i take no action to improve them.

i don't feel like me anymore, not that i ever knew who i really was. but, i want to feel something again.. lately even when i felt sad, i couldn't cry any tears, it just turned to anger or 'your loss' kind of attitude. although, there is one thing that gets some sort emotion out of me, but that's not always positive.

i'm worrying about myself, about whether i'm okay or not. but what am i suppose to do about it? nobody understands, even when they try, they just don't get it.

something worth having, is worth waiting for.

i miss you so much, but do i even cross your mind? i hate being the one to show you how i feel first, especially when you don't respond the way i would like you to. i wish you knew, what i go through for you, i really do. i wish, every once in a while, you would show me how you're feeling or at least tell me what you're thinking instead of leaving me constantly guessing.

i said i would wait for you, because i believe that you're worth it, but it takes two to tango. i need to know how you feel too..

fair? love us both equally? bullshit.

i hate the way you say things, and then act the exact opposite. i hate how you're bias and favour him, and then deny it. i hate how when he does something it's okay, but when i do it, it's a completely different story. you say you're not like those traditional chinese people, where the son comes first and is more important. yeah, i heard your words, but your actions speak much louder.

you say that you are a 'fair' person, are you sure? have you taken a look at yourself? when i ask for something, it's a 'no' or 'go ask your dad'. when it's him, 'yeah, okay' is your response. especially when you know that what he is going to ask, dad will say no. you side with him so much, and you don't even realise. when i try to bring it up, you come to your defence straight away and an argument breaks out.

i'm honestly sick of your shit and the way you treat me compared to him. i'm not saying you don't do anything for me, and maybe a little bit of this is jealousy, but all i want is some fairness. you do so much for him, but very little for me. can you at least take a step back and look at what you're doing? and when i bring it up or something, can you NOT deny it? it really turns my anger up.

i actually want to have a good relationship with you, but it just seems close to impossible - we seem to disagree on almost everything. i wish i could verbally discuss with you this issue, but everyone knows that would just turn ugly. so i am forced to type out what i'm feeling, and hope that you will soon realise the problem with your own eyes, mother.. which i very much doubt will ever happen.

words are not enough.

Let's keep the fire burning, don't let go
I think we got a chance babe, so don't put out the glow
Cause I believe in us, at least you say
But I don't feel it no more. It's just another game you play.

But if you really want me, to stay, be close to you
Better show me baby, show what love can do

You say you love me, but words are not enough
I want to feel, feel it's real, feel the magic when we touch

You say you want me, but words are not enough
I wanna bring back for good, bring back what we have lost

All the time I've waited, on my own
I've started thinking baby, I'm better off alone, but I still feel for you
I wish I could let go, stuck in wishful thinking, that love can make us grow

(A love for real) Really love me
(Keep you close to me) Please stay
(Let me show you babe)
Show what love can do

You say you love me, but words are not enough
I want to feel, feel it's real, feel the magic when we touch

You say you want me, but words are not enough
I wanna bring back for good, bring back what we have lost

I try to reach you and I try to feel you
Want you close tonight oh, but it seems you keep avoiding me now
Given up on us somehow, and now I'm lost

You say you love me, but words are not enough
I want to feel, feel it's real, feel the magic when we touch

You say you want me, but words are not enough
I wanna bring back for good, bring back what we have lost
I wanna bring back for good, words are not enough.

tata young writes amazing songs, her lyrics i can relate to. and boy, it's true what she sings; words are not enough ..

i miss the old days, so much.

sigh. everything has changed so much, there's no more 'me' time anymore - to just chill and relax, there's no more just hanging with friends, there's no more time to do anything fun. everybody has part-time jobs, homework, and their own problems to deal with nowadays. it sucks.

it's so hard to find time to just chill altogether, or with the ones you want to be around. sometimes you just need to kick back with a few friends talking about jackshit, but no one has time for that anymore.

i looked back on some pictures, wondering where the time had gone, it's like it just flew by without me realising.. and in no time, i'll be in uni - how freaky. can't time just slow down a little, so i can take a breath and enjoy the moments i have?

there's an exception to every rule.

so, i've been a little slack with blogging.. but here's one for may ;D

the other night, i lay awake with distractions on my mind. i refresh my facebook news feed and suddenly his profile pops up at the top.. i wondered, "is it pure coincidence or is there a reason for that?"

i believe in fate, i believe that everything happens for a reason. but that night, i couldn't help but question those beliefs. it frustrated me, i was losing sleep the night right before my Unit 3 SAC.

that night, i realised that there are two possible reasons for all actions; so which one would be right? the one of the person doing action, or the person receiving? you could get two completely different 'meanings' from just one action.. so when i say 'i believe everything happens for a reason', is that reason what i perceive it to be, or the other person? and what if, they didn't do it on purpose? is that just pure coincidence? or is that 'fates' action?

this topic has bothered me since, as i can't come up with a conclusion that has nothing contradicting it. my beliefs are like the english language, there's an exception to every rule.

i miss how we used to be.

don't you just love how a simple song can bring back so many memories? how you used to love it because you could relate to every lyric, but now everything's completely different? i'm not saying i want to go back and change what had happened, but sometimes, at times like these, you can't help but wonder what if.

after thinking about that, i couldn't help but realise how so much had changed between me and a couple of people i was once extremely close with just a few months ago. what's happened between us? how come we've drifted so far in such a short amount of time? i can't help but miss everything that used to be; the late conversations, the way we could relate to life and its' problems, and simply the way we used to cheer each other up. i honestly miss all that, and i don't understand how it's all changed. i miss how they were always there when i needed them for a laugh, for a cry or just to talk. today, i thought about it, and i can't seem to find either of them just to say 'i miss you' ..

to my readers ;)

I just wanted to wish all my readers a Happy Easter :)
and i hope you all got heaps of chocolate and had a wonderful day !

i visited a temple today with the family.
the scenery was amazing - below is an image of one of the waterfalls; so pretty.

you proved me wrong ♥

the past months, i've realised, i had been insecure. i overreacted to little things such as long waits for replies, and got jealous pretty easily. even though sometimes, i still get annoyed waiting or i get a little jealous, i just think back to yesterday and i feel better.

it had been just over a month since the last time i had seen him, but the second i saw his face, something inside me lifted a little and there was a smile on my face. spending time with him was fun, when it was just us. i learnt that he doesn't use words for expressing, he uses his actions - even with his friends around, whether they noticed or not, i don't know. at first, i admit i was confused about what had happened yesterday, and while i lay awake in bed last night, it somewhat felt more like a dream than reality; seeing him, and having him hold me.

right before i fell i asleep, i came to the conclusion that i had misjudged his recent actions; that i overreacted because i looked too deep into things. actions speak louder than words, and he proved my thoughts wrong. i'm glad he did, because now, i have this reassurance with me, from the 5 hours i had spent with him yesterday.

i told myself that i could wait.

I pictured us together
But you told me you weren't ready
Said it's much too soon
That's a year ago

You asked me to be patient
So I told myself that I could wait
And time went by
Somehow it's different now ..

earth hour

roses are red
violets are blue
i love you
but if only you knew.
- written by me :)

it was earth hour last night; where i went an hour without power/electricity. and surprise surprise, i was thinking about you.

keke :D

weeee i just found out i can blog at school :D
they blocked blogspot last year, but not this? ahwell :D

anyways, just wanna say, i'm loving click by shawn desman
it's amazing, go listen :)

cause i might do something stupid, like believe it.

Never once have you made me feel, like what we had was something real
i just came to realise, ohh no..
never once have you said goodbye, with a heart that starts to cry
that's not how it's supposed to be...

So where do we go from here, where do we go from here
coz all that you said was enough to hold on and believe it forever

So why do i feel like i'm livin' a lie
somethin' in your eyes, is tellin' me to stop and think twice
but i just can't decide
so don't say you love me unless you mean it
coz i might do something stupid like believe it, like believe it
i might do something stupid like believe it, like believe it
i might do something stupid

Never once have you said hello, without saying you've got to go,
and i can't help but wonder why
never once have you picked up the phone, just to call and let me know,
how much you're thinkin' of me

So where do we go from here, where do we go from here
coz all that you said was enough to hold on and believe it forever

So why do i feel like i'm livin' a lie
somethin' in your eyes is tellin' me to stop and think twice
but i just can't decide
so don't say you love me unless you mean it
coz i might do something stupid like believe it, like believe it
i might do something stupid like believe it, like believe it (don't wanna believe it)
i might do something stupid

Are we gonna get it right?
were you ever really mine?
even after all this time?

wow, it's been so long since we've talked and had a proper convo.. it's been 19days since i've seen your name in my inbox. despite all this time, there hasn't been one day i've gone through and not thought about you. but what about you, have i even crossed your mind once? i've fought all the urges to contact you, because what's the point if you're only replying because you don't want to be rude. you know that i want you, but never had you said you wanted me .. actions speak louder than words.

i'm so stupid.

i miss how we used to be; i miss the late talks, i miss the jokes, i miss just talking to you. as time passes us by, it's like we talk less and less. only communicating when you feel like it, it's really unfair on me.

i sit here, thinking about you, whilst you're chatting to other chicks. i don't care if you don't feel the same way they do about you, but the way you act seems to be different. i admit, i'm jealous of the attention they get from you, cause i only get the attention when no one's around.

i honestly sit here, and wonder why i still hold on. then i remember all the memories that i've had with you; i remember our talks, i remember the way you make me smile, i remember the way you make me laugh. so many times, i've tried to leave you behind, because a lot of the times it's like we're going no where - things look up for a day or two, then you just shut me out, and i'm all down. the number of times i've tried and failed. i blame you.

why do you make me feel so happy, even after a week of no talking? i try to be angry with you, but the minute you say 'hey' i smile. i'm so vulnerable when it comes to you, sometimes i just wish i could forget everything; but that'd be forgetting happiness.. see what you have done to me?

i'm sick of putting myself out there for you, i'm sick of always being the one trying. i feel like an idiot, putting in all the effort and barely achieving anything.. make up your mind, please stop wasting my time.

btw.

btw, its autumn ;D

*rage

oh my gawdddddd. i am seriously so sick of school, fuck. so much stress :@ freaking hell, it's only been what, 4 weeks? and omg. the work load is doing my head in! dude. people said year 11 was 'eassyy', 'heaps better than year 10'. fciufhaiudghs what liars. i've gotten so much work, that i had to take a day off today because i hadn't finished it all. fuck, i so don't do well with stress.

i've had 3 SACS in the past week, another one this week, two next and one the week after. kill me. i want holidays now please.

blahh

things are starting to look up, but i can't help but feel that something is going to come along and ruin it.. it's always like that; we're constantly going around in circles. should i just enjoy it and suffer later, or be wary of it and not feel the happiness?

school's a drag, i can't concentrate lately. i'm so behind and i don't know how to catch up :/ i really can not be bothered.

burning out.

I don't wanna take a step back
But I'm running on emptiness
We're just no longer on the same track
And it's killing me in every way

You take me in; shut me out, you're breaking me down
Tell me that I'm the one, but I see through your lies
It's all misleading, you keep me bleeding
It's like I'm burning out, burning out

You're making me feel so alone
Baby just let me let go
Cuz I just can't escape your ghost
The fire you started once is now
Burning out, burning out
I'm burning out, burning out
I just fade away
Were burning out, burning out
We keep on burning out, burning out

I can't find myself leaving
And it hurts with every breath I take
That I will never know the feeling
Of you loving me the same way

You take me in; shut me out, you're breaking me down
Tell me that I'm the one, but I see through your lies
It's all misleading, you keep me bleeding
It's like I'm burning out, burning out

You're making me feel so alone
Baby just let me let go
Cuz I just can't escape your ghost
The fire you started once is now
Burning out, burning out
I'm burning out, burning out
I just fade away
Were burning out, burning out
We keep on burning out, burning out

Have you ever even noticed
All the pain when you look into my eyes
Tell me, have you ever even thought about
That I'm, I'm burning out

You're making me feel so alone
Baby just let me let go
Cuz I just can't escape your ghost
The fire you started once is now
Burning out, burning out
I'm burning out, burning out
I just fade away
Were burning out, burning out
We keep on burning out, burning out.. (8)

when you take your time to reply, this is how it feels..

you're like a flash of lightning

why is it only sometimes that i feel like you want me the way i want you? why are we on the same page, only when you feel like it?

how do you go one day, without talking to me? because it's killing me inside. how can you hold your emotions so well, because i can't. how do you act like you don't care, because even when i try my hardest, i still can't act. it's not fair on me, to be treated like this. the days when you feel like talking, you'll always reply. then there's days when you just don't reply for ageees - like now..

i don't know what to think. part of me, wants to just forget about you and move on. but there's another part of me, that says 'no, keep holding on'. you've had me like this for so long and it doesn't seem like it's going to get any better, we're just going around in circles.. but i can't just ignore my feelings for you; so what should i do?

i want to know if you can see us going anywhere. because even though i said i'd wait for you, i don't want to wait for something that most likely won't happen. be fair to me, let me know how it is for you.

...

why do i keep having these random depressed moods? where i feel like doing nothing, 'cept sitting by myself in my room. why do i feel like crying, why do i feel like there's nothing good in life? why do i feel like there is only one person who can make me feel better?

this is why i don't like trusting/relying on other people, because when you need them the most, there's no way of getting through to them..

to my readers ;)

happy valentine's day & happy Chinese New Year (:
just thought i'd wish this to you all :D

hope you all have a lovely day with your loved ones - your significant other, bestfriend, or friends.
and to all those who celebrate chinese new year - 新年快乐!
have a wonderful day with your family! get the $$ and have fun at the festivals ! :D

the date and time for this blog is incorrect for where i am. it's 1402 , 4.58pm :)

mon anniversaire :D

yesterday was my birthday, and i turned the legal age to get my Learner's ;)

it started off slow, with people at school wishing me a happy birthday; teachers, classmates and friends. nothing special happened, felt like another normal day; as i had predicted.. but during assembly, the coordinator wished me a 'happy birthday', holding everyone back a minute xD lunchtime came, and i was almost finished with school for the day. as i was talking to some people, one of my friends came and said the coordinator wanted to see me; i thought i was in trouble, but what for? i had no idea. i almost refused to go, it was only the fourth day back! but as i walked into the VCE centre, i saw my friends standing around a table, and a cake in the middle with candles. it was so thoughtful, it was so unexpected; i was truly surprised. i blew the candles, made a wish, and enjoyed the afternoon surrounded with my friends. i have no idea how many times everyone's sung 'happy birthday' to me this year ^^

i left school at 1.15, going to lunch with my aunties and two cousins, but we didn't end up eating until 3.30pm - we went shopping for a bit haha. coming home early, i didn't know what to do. i still felt like going out, didn't want to stay home. but i didn't have a choice, there wasn't anyone to go out with. ahwell (N)

i guess i can't really complain about it, except for some disappointments with some people - but what can i do about it.

i am thankful to my school friends for what they had organised, and for proving me wrong; because they do care.
i was really surprised; THANKYOU ♥

privacy please.

is it wrong of me to ask for a little privacy? because my mum thinks it's perfectly to open my mail. if it is addressed to me, i should be the only one opening it; right? it's not like i'm allowed to open hers. what right does she have to open mine? i know she's my mother, but she's not me now is she?

birthday eve.

tonight is my birthday eve, but i don't feel excited or anything. it feels like it's just going to be another normal day at school..

maybe it's because i've already celebrated it, and there won't be any surprises or presents. maybe it's because who i want to spend it with, won't be around. maybe it's because it seems like no one at home cares about it. or maybe it's a mix of all of the above.

i finish at 12.15 tomorrow, but no one finishes as early as i do. i want to go out for dinner, but everyone's working/busy. it feels like no one cares; i honestly don't know what to think.

and fuck my parents. telling me to go to bed now? do they not understand? it feels so depressing, that those i care most about, don't seem to care about me at all. all i wanted for my birthday was to be happy, and it seems like i'm going to feel depressed. i thought birthdays were meant to be a special thing.. but i guess those around me think differently.

43 minutes to go.

this is my confession.

babe, it's one those nights where i just need you. it's only been a day since we last spoke, but i really do miss you. you have no idea, what you do to me; i'm weak because of you. whatever you want, whatever you say, i'll do. the sacrifices i would never make, i'd make for you.

there's just something about you, something that you've done to me. i'm not sure how, and i have no idea when; but this feeling just won't disappear. you make me smile instantly with your 'hello', a memory of you brightens up my day, and when we talk, boy i just can't explain it.

i can't stand the distance, i'm always wishing to see your face again. and i hate when you take your time to reply, because it instantly puts me in a bad mood; i just miss you so much. i forgive you way too quickly, because i'd rather be making memorable conversations with you, rather than ignoring you. and i hate saying goodbye, because i never know how long i have to wait before i'll see you again.

'somewhere between long talks and making fun of each other, boy i fell for you.' ♥