i'm such a fool.

bleeehh. why am i such a fool? why do i let myself suffer like this?

when we don't speak over a period of time, he causes me pain, and when we do speak, he still causes me to be down. so many times, i have said, "yeah that's it. that's the last time i'm going to let him control my feelings", "i'm so sick of this, i'm moving on" etcetc. and even though i've tried many times to. i always end up right where i started, why?

is my heart really that stubborn? has it not been hurt enough? i'm seriously so sick of him keeping me waiting for his stupid replies, waiting for him to text me first, for him to just talk to me. he never seems to make ANY effort to talk to me, and yet i still bother contacting him first. what's that meant to mean? does he not care as much as i do? does he not think of me like i think of him? does he not feel the same as i do for him? if he didn't, couldn't he at least tell me so i could actually do something about all my stupid actions?

he frustrates me so much, he gives me headaches. he keeps me up late at night, where i come up with all these stupid wishes. each day, i constantly wait for him to show me some sign of him caring, and each day just draaaaaags on. this isn't fair, this isn't a healthy way for me to live.

and despite all the times i've been rejected by him, and all the pain and whatever else he's caused me, he's still on my mind each day, and every night. and stupidly, knowing nothing will change any time soon, i still hope for something.