i'm scared that even though the years keep passing, that the lies and disappointment continue to build up; that no matter what, there will always be a part of me still holding onto you.

no thanks to you

i just want to say thank you. cause when i didn't remember why i was still waiting for you, when i was wondering why i was still holding on etc. and was you know, somewhat numb yet ready to move on, each time i get to that stage, you re-enter my life and remind me of why. making me miss you even more when you disappear and leave me waiting, once again.

like right now, i miss you, and all i can think of is you. all i want to see is you. all i want to hear is you, and where i want to be is with you; corny and shit i don't care. it's how i feel. it's how i feel most of my days.

thank you for making me so weak, thanks for leaving such a big affect on me, thanks for leaving me in a way that only you can fix. thanks for not even noticing. seriously, thanks for making me vulnerable for you; it's every girls dream.

i hate feeling like this; missing you but knowing that you're not even thinking about me ..

taken for granted.

we only ever seem to reflect on life when negative things are happening, why? because we are searching for something better, anything better, than what was actually happening. but when one thing goes wrong, we seem to also detect everything else that is wrong or bad in our life; soon we find ourselves in tears wondering what we did wrong to deserve such a bad life like this, true?

we never seem to realise the good things in our lives, and when we do, it doesn't last very long and is easily forgotten when something else happens; so I want to take note of what I've come to realise tonight, and hopefully the next time I feel down or whatever, I'll look back and realise how lucky I really am.

I'm alive and healthy; I'm not suffering, I don't have an illness. I have access to clean water and a variety of food. I have choices; I live in a democratic society. There isn't a war going on in my country, people aren't dying in front of my eyes. I'm not exposed to any life-threatening acts, I'm not forced to do anything I don't want to.

I am constantly surrounded with family, they're always there. They may not understand me, but they're there when I need them; when I'm ill, when I need to go somewhere, and simply when I need help. My parents care for me, they're over-protective and don't express affection but I know they care for me. My brother and I come first in my parent's choices and decisions, they're always thinking of us. They don't drink, they don't fight, they're not violent; they don't just leave us by ourselves unless they know 100% we'll be okay.

I often complain about my friends, and nothing will change that; I think I'm just too fussy and over-think things way too much. But there are a few of them out there, who truly care about me, and I guess, I can call my true friends. Sometimes, they can pick up when something's bothering me, and know when I need cheering up; sometimes they're as blind as ever.. but I admit I am difficult and it would be wrong of me to expect them to realise every single time.

You know, just with the basic essentials; shelter, food, clean water, clothing, I should already be happy; a lot of people don't even have this and live a much less priviledged life; and I don't even think about this in my day-to-day life, I really take those things for granted. And the people I have in my life, I am lucky to have even met them let alone to have them a part of my life. Yeah, they're additional things in my life, but they make my life better, and make the ride worthwile.

even if i just wanna run away, and even if i hate all the stupid silly words you say, i can't deny with you is where i wanna stay.

when you say the words you know i wanna hear, i forget all the pain that i was feeling.

for some reason, i miss you even more today.

):

i had mixed emotions earlier today. i was so excited, yet so nervous at the same time. i was worried yet i was calm. i was happy, yet so scared. but none of it even mattered, because i didn't even get to see you. for me to be sick of all days, it had to be the one day we planned to meet up, after almost four months.. seriously?



ps. did you know, you still give me butterflies in my stomach.

i'm scared of losing you, even though you're not even mine.

no matter how much time passes, nothing's changing

i want you to realise how much i mean to you; how much you really miss me and how much you really care.
i want you to tell me that you're sorry for treating me the way you have been, and that it was unintentional; that you'll make up for it.
i want you to say you'll start showing me how much you want me; that it won't happen again.
i want you to tell me that there is no one else; that it's just me on your mind and in your heart.
i want you to tell me that we'll be forever, and that you truly believe it.
i want you to reassure me that i have nothing to worry about; that i never will.
i want you to say that you love me, and that nothing will ever change that.

i must be a fool for hanging around this long, and still expect this to happen, even though nothing seems to be heading in that direction. but i can't help it; nothing has changed since the first day i met you ..

i miss my friends.

it saddens me that there are so many people i was once close with, that i don't even talk to anymore. sometimes it's just a smile or maybe even a hello, but anything more than that, feels awkward.

it saddens me because these are the people that i used to rely on for a good time, people who i felt comfortable with, people who i looked forward to seeing. looking back, they were the reason i was happy; oh how i miss the way things used to be.

i know it's not possible to go back in time or whatever, but sometimes, i wish i still had those relationships. reliving those moments through pictures just aren't enough anymore.

my dear friend.

i love how he is able to make me smile so easily, with his cute comments. i love how after a few weeks, we can still talk for ages. i love how he lifts my mood, and i simply enjoy his company.

it's sad though, how it's hard to actually communicate with him lately. and how we don't actually get to see each other anymore. i feel comfortable talking to him about whatever, no matter how stupid or ridiculous.

it's amazing how well we get along. especially when we talk for ages, and conversation still flows casually. in some ways, when i think about it, he's like the guy i've been searching for, for so long. but i don't feel attracted to him in that way, well not as much as i thought i would've.

he's more the best friend type, but i wonder if i'm anything close to that for him.

i'm addicted.

baby you like my medicine, gotta have you no matter where i be.
i don't think i'll find, find a better drug cause i already tried, tried to find a better one.
boy no one could replace you, no one has that effect like you.
no matter how bad you hurt me, you always seem to find a way to make it up to me.

i, love you, i need you.
i don't plan on sharing you boy.
i, i love you, i need you;
cause i need every dose of you.

boy you're my drug, just gotta have it.
boy your love is a must, i just can't stop it.
sometimes you hurt me but, you find a way to make it work.
i just can't help it, cause deep down i need it.

boy you're my drug, just gotta have it.
boy your love is a must, i just can't stop it.
sometimes you hurt me but you find a way to heal my heart.
and boy i must admit i'm addicted.
boy you're my drug.

out of all my friends you make me mad the most, but out of everyone i love you the most.
and i don't think i can do something about it, cause boy you've become part of my system.

new hopee

i feel good, like really good. i'm full of hope, with images of how things will turn out. i'm excited, like really excited. boy you have no idea what you've just done.

i know it's still a while away, but i never thought we'd plan anything so soon. you know i've wanted to see you for so long, it's been so many months. and now that we've set a date, i'm just really excited, but really nervous at the same time. i have these plans of how things will go, all these scenarios and ways of how the day will end. i probably shouldn't but i can't help it, i've been waiting too long. it's seriously time to change our status', i honestly don't see what's stopping us now; if it's meant to be, we can make it work. i mean we've been able to make whatever we are last this long so far right? why not make it official?

i hope we keep things good, i hope nothing stops, i hope it doesn't all change before the day. i don't care if it'll just be us, or with your friends, as long as i get to see you. for the next couple of weeks, i'll have something to look forward to, i really hope nothing changes it. i'm loving how things are going so well again; i'm loving the faster replies, i'm loving how our conversations are feeling a little bit like the old times. i really miss that, and i really miss you.

yeah, sure, i have some concerns. like what if i'm just lifting my hopes up and then get disappointed? what if it doesn't happen, what if something comes up? but you know what, right now. i just want to enjoy this good feeling. it's been a freaking long time !

ps. please don't disappoint me?

i wish you knew, i really do.

i know you said you didn't have time for a relationship now, but i can't keep on fighting how i feel. you're the one person i care for most, and to pretend i don't care means to not care about anything at all. i really wish you knew just how much you meant, i wish you weren't so clueless. so many times i've wanted to tell you everything, 100%, but i've never had the opportunity to. i want to be able to see you infront of me, to be able to read your facial expression and your body language. i don't want you to runaway, pretend or lie, like you can through the phone or online. i don't want to freak you out.

there's nothing i can do to erase the memories. i can’t ignore you, nor can i forget you. i can’t stop thinking about you, and i can’t stop missing you. no matter how different things may feel between us now, or the lack of communication we've been having lately. no matter how much time that passes by, and no matter what the distance is between us, i fear that how i feel towards you will never change. i fear that none of this will ever change. i'm scared of what i'm feeling, and how strong it is.

sitting here, in the dark
i don't know what went wrong
but it's over now
wish i could be, where you are
but some things should never be said out loud

come save me, unbreak me
cause i just cant forget you

take me so far away from this place
where my heart can breathe
somewhere i can believe again
give me something that time can't erase
cause losing you is taking too much
tell me there's a reason for love

i see myself, walking away
but there's a piece of my heart that's still holding on
people say "let it go"
but leaving is easier said than done

eek

i might've mentioned before, but i'm scared of the future.

i'm scared of what it holds for me, i'm scared of what the results might be. who i end up marrying, if i even get married. what will my career be? who am i friends with? how much of my life has changed from now? will i be healthy? will i be happy? will i be enjoying my life, or will i have problems? what is my ending? do i regret anything? and the list of questions go on, and on.

but if i had the opportunity to get any of the answers right now, i don't know if i would want to know. what if the answers were negative, i'd be dreading the future. but then i don't think you can predict the future, you can't predict the choices you will make, right? everything you do, everything you choose to do or not to do, affects how your future will be, right? it's not all set, it can't possibly be, right? because everything's always changing?

the future is such a scary thought. it's so complex. true?

my future studies.

so it's been a while since i've last blogged, time to update everyone i think, because there's been a few things bothering me lately.

just today, i finished my first full day (but second session) of training for peer mediation. because today's session went for a full day after yesterday's four period session, i felt so drained. it was getting so boring, it was so repetitive. i'm worrying that uni's going to be something similar.. i mean, we pick a particular area right, then just study the subjects that relate to it? for like three years, right? won't i be bored shitless? i'm quite surprised i've never thought about it before.. i don't want to be a drop out.

through this training, i realised that something like counselling, is not the pathway i should take - even though i had a little interest in it. i mean, how boring would it be, to hear similar situations everyday, asking the same questions like, "and how does that make you feel?" and "why do you feel the way you feel?" etc. it's so boring, no offence to anyone who's interested. and there's just so much thinking involved, there's no preparation time, because you never know what to expect. it's all done on the spot. ah definately not my thing.

after the careers expo on Sunday 29th August, i decided i was going to major in marketing. it requires me to be good at analysing things, be creative and basically, know what consumers want right? or how to sell a particular item or product to the public.. at least that's what i understood from all the information and questions i had asked. but i also want to do public relations, because i think it would be very useful, and contribute to marketing. i think that's the path i want to go in, i want to have a career in advertising. maybe not the actual desiign of it, because i'm not that creative, but the work behind it. it seems fun, challenging and involves work with colleagues and the public.

oh and, it's heaps easier to get into than law. that's like very close to impossible for me. unfortunately. ):