fuck it.

i'm sick of trying to please him.
i'm sick of trying to be who he wants me to be; the perfect daughter, with perfect grades; constantly studying, always home; never in trouble , the innocent one; someone he's proud to tell his friends about.

i hate being given the silent treatment, especially when i haven't done anything wrong. i hate how when i am close to being who he wants me to be, everything is fine, but the second i do something wrong, it's all my fault. i'm just so over it all, i don't see the point anymore.

everything lately seems to be my fault, and everything i do seems to be wrong. my grades aren't high enough, my friends are bad influences, i'm doing 'bad things', and apparently i've got a bad attitude.

i'll never be that perfect daughter he wants me to be, i'll never reach those standards. i will never be happy if i pretend to be someone i am not; she is just not me. but he won't ever be proud enough of me with me just being me; i guess it's a lose-lose situation.

i'm sick of it, i've had enough. i'm done with trying to be daddy's perfect little girl.

fml.

what happened to the times where we didn't have to worry?
where we had no problems, where there wasn't any trouble?

i miss the times when i was too young to understand life. when all that mattered was that i was happy, when people took care of me, when i used to fall for those false acts of others being happy..

each day, we are stressed, we are pressured. we argue, we fight. we strive, we fail. each day, there are choices to make; about whether we keep going or give up, about whether it's worth it or not, whether there's any point. and there are opportunities to be taken, but do we go for it or do we throw it away?

seems like the older we get, the more trouble there seems to be.
the older we get, the more we are exposed to.
the older we get, the bigger the responsibilities.

i wish i could put it off and stay young forever; but we can't stop time, and the clock is running too fast.
slowly, i feel myself losing control, getting more and more lost with life..

third attempt.

i wanna move on with my life, i don't want you here as a distraction anymore. i don't want you constantly there in my mind, i don't want everything to remind me of you. i'm sick of feeling so shit, sick of how you're making me feel. i hate how everywhere i go, there's a memory of you; i hate how there's no way we can go back in time.

i want to move on, but i don't want to leave you behind. i want to keep those memories, but i don't want them to bring me down anymore. they say moving on is simple, but it's what you leave behind that makes it hard.

i want to keep you here in my life, because it just doesn't seem right without you. i'll try again, moving on, but this time without trying to erase you; to be friends is always better than nothing. it might work better, it might not; i guess only time will tell.

and it's all because of you.

You were everything, everything that I wanted
We were meant to be, supposed to be, but we lost it.
And all of the memories, so close to me, just fade away..
All this time you were pretending,
So much for my happy ending..

i dont know what to do or which way to turn..
i feel like such a fool, falling for you and believing in every word that you said. because you made me feel like i was special, like i was your first priority, like i was the only one that mattered; like i was the only one on your mind.

ever since you've ended us, i've been hoping that you'll come back to me, so that we can continue from where we left off; to finish our story.

but now, i don't even know what i meant to you..
you told me that you felt everything you said, that you meant every word, and that you really did care; and i believed you. but i don't know anymore, it seems impossible to be true, because i just read that you were never truly over her..

It's nice to know that you were there.
Thanks for acting like you cared,
And making me feel like I was the only one.
It's nice to know we had it all,
Thanks for watching as I fall..

& in that split second..

Ain't gonna show no weakness,
I'm gonna smile and tell the whole world I'm fine.
I'm gonna keep my senses,
But deep down
When no one can hear me
Baby I'll be crying for you ..

why does it take us weeks to pick ourselves up, only to fall back down within a second? is it because we raise our hopes too high? there's curiosity for the reason in which our hopes have been risen and we try to avoid it, that emotion that comes with it, but is it possible to avoid what makes you smile not only on the outside, but also within?

we spent so long cleaning the mess they left us in; days, weeks, even months. and then they do something to give us hope, only for it to be shattered the next day; leaving you in pieces again..
it leaves us lost and confused; unsure of what to do yet again.

i thought i had succeeded, i thought i was over you .
& then we start talking again, and those emotions reappear.
tell me, what should i do? coz i dont wana imagine my life without you, but how can i handle being just friends?
my feelings, they will fade, but they will not completely go..